2009:

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

good times:
- chanel
- mulberry
-my 18th birthday
- tea party
- t4 on the beach
- leaving school
- AAB at A Level
- 99% in english literature over year 13
- 100% in RE anthology paper
- job
- betty's
- 22 carat gold flaked champagne
- ARCTIC MONKEYS.

bad times:
- gastric endoscopy. yum.
- university based rejection
- all my friends leaving..
- B in A Level history..
- sambuca related illness...

i'm a bit too busy to be unhappy.

things are a bit better now i suppose so i haven't really been using this blog all that much - i don't know whether that will change in the near future so, i guess watch this space. i'm trying to follow alice's advice and smile more, i guess we'll see how that one goes. :)

epiphany.

i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m actually quite happy to just be by myself at the moment. as much as i’d love all the little couply things and to mean an awful lot to someone etc etc i’ve still got plenty of time for that. plus, to be honest, while i’m still so hung up on him it wouldn’t actually be fair for me to bring someone else into the picture and actually, i don’t really even want to. i’m really quite content to just be single right now - trust me, this is quite the revelation. but i actually feel as though, in a way, a huge weight has been lifted. this is the happiest i've felt in a long time: i’m alone - and that’s ok :).

my mother just came upstairs and asked me if i was 'ok' - it was easiest to just say 'yes' than to attempt to explain to her that i'm not 'ok' and that i can't remember the last time i was happy.

i've said it before

and i'll say it again: 2009 is shite.

i've got to admit it's getting better. it's a little better all the time.

stop crying your heart out.

yes, i'm crying yet again - i've honestly cried more this year than i have the rest of my entire life...ergh. i deserve some sort of sponsership by kleenex the amount of times i've cried this year.

i miss the old times.

life a few years ago was so much simplier and happier - i wish i could go back to being hopeful, cheerful and infatuated. i hate my life now.

i wake up just to go back to sleep.

so today, in the post, i received even more rejection - as if i haven't already had enough this year. basically i applied for a job that i reallyyy wanted, it sounded so amazing - the place itself is so lovely and there were so many random upsides and 'perks', i suppose, of working there. i knew that actually getting the job would be difficult, i mean there aren't all that many jobs out there at the minute (it's quite frankly the worst year ever to be looking for employment) and scores of people are after the same positions but i suppose on some level i thought i had a good chance...i just feel like it's one more thing that i've failed at, am not good enough for...and i'm bloody sick of people judging me and telling me i'm not good enough to do something. i'm so sick of trying my goddam hardest and just been turned down and rejected the whole time. my friend told me to 'keep trying', but i don't want to! it's sooo unfair! i've tried my absolute hardest this year and i've got nothing to show for it. urgh. i'm just miserable i guess...i've been left behind and this is my life now...i actually hate it. i've also decided not to go on facebook for a while because it just upsets me. well, upsets me more than i already permanently am...

my nails are still wet.

it's raining, surprise, surprise...we've actually had no summer for like the third year in a row :( i could get quite sick of this. plus it's pitch black by about half 8 now which means winter and coldness and even more rain and crappy weather. at least there's christmas to look forward to - it's soooo much worse after christmas and new year when there really is nothing to look forward to for several agonising months. speaking of new year i've already decided that i'm not going out anywhere but instead i'm planning on staying at home, alone with a bottle of wine and some shitty movies, i'm not welcoming in another year - i did last year and look what happened. it wont matter much anyway seeing as i'll be revising for retakes over the entirety of the christmas holidays - joy. i have also been banished from facebook, unless of course i want to read comments and status' surrounding accommodation, student finance and pink cheese graters...or just congratulatory comments in general (yes, i know i'm bitter but i actually don't care). i only hope that 2010 holds some success and not just more disappointment and rejection, i also hope i'm not single for the entirety of it - still, what am i saying? hope gets you absolutely nowhere...just look at new years eve last year for evidence of that...

...

ucas sent me a letter today - thanks a bunch is all i have to say on that matter.


in other news i saw this today and thought it was utterly brilliant frankly :) it made me smile lots haha x

i lost my faith in the summertime, cos it don't stop raining.

i haven't written on here for rather a while, mainly because not a lot's really happened. i've mainly been spending my time reading and blogging on my tumblr, nothing worth documenting really...i'm really loving The Prophet by Kahil Gibran which my grandparents gave to me to read. they said it was particularly good if you were depressed which could be the reason i'm enjoying it so much, it has some really beautiful lines in it which do help, in some weird way if you are upset or whatever, so yeah give it a go.
last week i went to ikea with my parents which was utterly depressing as there were a lot of annoying, loud, southern, private schooled kids (you know the type) who were there as a group buying stuff for university :( honestly, it was like 'kill me nowwwww'.
oh, i've also been sorting stuff out for my birthday party which is all very excitinggg :) i can't wait to FINALLY be 18 really...
finally, arctic monkeys new single was released at midnight last night :) it's called 'crying lightning' and it's amazing - you really should give it a listen. it's especially perfect to listen to when there's endless thunderstorms outside, like there is currently...so this is summer??? x

desk.

i actually took the picture for the rose but you can also see quite a lot of other stuff lol ahhh well :) x

general.

i may attempt to find someone who can add me on lookbook soon because i visit it lots and yet can't post anything myself haha. below is a picture of the denim smock dress i bought in the sales the other day, the necklaces are from h&m and topshop and two of my bracelets are really old ones that i've had since i was a child and the other is a freshwater pearl one that my mum bought me after the dreaded gastroscopy :)

i haven't been doing an awful lot really since the party. i've mainly been recovering haha. yesterday me and some friends went to chatsworth to have a picnic but it ended up being rather traumatic because my friend esme cut her foot in the river and we had to call an ambulance - i even had to ride in the back of it, it was utterly surreal. she's fine now though which is all that matters :) she and another friend ellie bought me this vintage clutch for my birthday:

i really love it :) it's gorgeous. x

party.

last night it was the birthday party of 3 of my best friends in monyash :) it was mega. the weather was utterly lovely so i got to wear my levi cut offs and one of my new white tops haha i think i'm immune to hangovers, which is pretty incredible if you ask me considering how much i weigh and how much i drunk last night. we camped in my friends field afterwards but we basically decided to sit around the fire-pit and do an all-nighter whilst playing 'have you ever' and 'would you ever' and asking each other pretty personal, intimate questions lol the information i've collected is invaluable :) so yeah, it was a very very good night x

i just realised how incredibly materialistic my blog is haha all it talks about is stuff i want or have bought. i may have to remedy that haha x

sales.

i went shopping with my darling mother today and bought quite a lot. i didn't realise that there were lots and lots of sales on at the moment :) it was a pleasant surprise. i bought a denim smock dress from h and m which i absolutely adore. it's chambray denim and the kind of thing which i'll be able to wear lots of the time, i also got a floral crop cami thing which is hard to describe. i'll maybe post pictures later...then i went off to zara and i bought lots of white things. i seem to have a slight obsession with white cotton things, i'm not really sure why. i got an over sized white blouse and a button up sleeveless top with a bow and frills and i got a white drop waist dress which looks slightly like a nightie, which is one for the main reasons i love it haha. i also got a navy high waisted skirt and some super skinny jeans which are all worn looking bleach denim and have zips near the ankles. they're still not 'tight' on my ankles though, no jeans are. it's about time shops catered for ridiculously skinny ankles really :D x

today.

today's been reasonably boring really, i haven't done an awful lot. i cut the legs off my levis which made me feel quite sick frankly. i was mainly panicking about ruining them so badly that they couldn't be worn as jeans OR shorts - luckily that didn't happen and now i have the best shorts ever. you can even see the white pockets poking out from under the shorts just how i wanted them to. there's still rather a lot of fraying to be done though haha
i also discovered my old timex watch which i had when i was really small. it's got a purple elasticated strap with pink ladybirds on it and the second hand is a ladybird :) it's megaa. i'm getting a new battery for it at some point and i'm gonna wear it again. yay.
then i sort of picked out my 18th birthday present from my grandparents. it's a diamond ring from tiffany and it's silver and a heart shape with a diamond set in the middle. it's really pretty, so i'm not fully decided but that's probably what i'll be getting from them whilst everyone else is giving me money so that i can buy a vintage chanel 2.55 - serious YAY. but other than that it's been rather dull here, literally and metaphorically. x

novels.

i doubt this will last for very long really haha, i honestly have nothing really to say. i've just finished my a levels so i'm on holiday already and existing in a dreadful sort of purgatorial state as i've done the exams and therefore, can't change what i did in them and yet it's 2 months until results - i really just want them now. so i can cry and start preparing for resits - i'm very optimistic. :)
the good news is that i can start reading books again now that i don't have to revise anymore, so i read 'the lovely bones' the other day and now i'm on 'tender is the night' which i have yet to publish judgement about really...i thought i'd love it but i'm not so sure. i really want to read misery by stephen king, as i read the shining at christmas and i really enjoyed it, so i may purchase that soon but in the meantime i have a whole pile of classics to get through. joys :)
any book recommendations? must reads? etc x

hi, i've basically created this blog as tumblr's becoming too much like an online photo album and not actually a 'blog', which is extremely ironic as the reason i joined tumblr in the first place was because i wanted a blog. i doubt anything of real interest will be related here or anything even remotely exciting - such is the disappointment of my life. if you're on here then you probably know my tumblr - 'I ♥ Wight.' (http://acissejj.tumblr.com/ shameless plugging i know...) which is pretty much a homage to alexa chung and alex turner. but if you're not familiar with it and hence aren't familiar with me:

my name is jessica and i'm 17. i live in the countryside surrounded by sheep and emptiness in a place with no shop. i like writing, but i doubt i'll ever make a living out of it and i like neat sambuca shots and passive smoking. i'm totally ordinary and pretty cliched.

it's nice to meet you x